Birthday wishes to Heaven!

Today my mom would have celebrated her 60th birthday and it's the fourth birthday of hers where we send her birthday love to Heaven. Overall, I feel like I have finally accepted our new reality--the way things are without her here, establishing a new normal, blah blah blah...everything everyone tells you to do or tells you to expect, once you have lost someone significant in your life. However, days like today (and Christmas), I cannot help but wonder what life would be like if she were still here. Especially today on her special day--how would we have celebrated? We would definitely have planned a party with cake, balloons, wine, her favorite people, in a place of her choice. (One year we spent it on the plaza in KC (she'd never been) and we enjoyed walking around the shops, seeing the lights, eating yummy food, drinking and playing cards in the hotel room. I imagine she would want to do something like that again--I know she enjoyed it and talked about it often.) Christmas and her birthday are two of the hardest days for me when it comes to missing her and on these days I find myself pondering what life would be like if she were still here.

Over the last week I have been overwhelmed with the feeling of just missing her; a weird combination of speechlessness + huge void + sadness. Bailey brought back some of her Christmas decorations and her Santa collection and what a blessing it has been to be surrounded by some of Mom's favorite things. Some of the boxes were filled with the smell of our childhood home at Christmastime--one that I cherished. Some of the candle holders have half burnt candles in them, so I've been enjoying them as well. I also have three of her Swedish table runners that she would put out throughout the house, her kitchen Christmas tree with cookie cutter ornaments, among a few other things. It helps and I am grateful to have these pieces of her in our home for the Christmas season. 

So on this day, I think of my mom. I would love the chance to hug her or talk to her just once more, but even that wouldn't be enough. Until the day we are reunited again, I will hold the memories of her dear to my heart, try to be the kind of mom she was to us, and send her birthday love to Heaven!