3 years.

When I think of 3 years ago, I was just about four months pregnant with Gavin. When I think about his birth and his last two and a half years, I can only think of how quickly that time has flown by. Today I think of my mom. Three years ago today we said goodbye to her, watched her take her last breath and leave us to join other loved ones in Heaven and become our guardian angel. Three years seems like an eternity to have been without her. I miss her hugs, her smell, her voice, her cooking, the list goes on. I miss the feeling of "home" I would get in our old house when she would make our favorite meal when we returned, or have a new toy for Sydney to play with, or play Wahoo (a crazy marble game that our family loves). With the holiday season coming up, it was her favorite time of the year and while it is my favorite as well (probably because of her!), I miss the little "something" she would bring to a holiday at home. Life made sense when Mom was here.

I think of all of the things that I feel like she is missing, especially now, and what our children are missing by not having her here. I wish Gavin could have known her. I wish she could have known him! To see the silly, sweet, ornery little man that he is and how much he can try our patience and melt our heart all in a swing of a few moments. He would have her wrapped around her finger with a first glance. I really wish she could see the beautiful little person Sydney has become and is growing into. She loves to learn and inquire, explore and try to read--my mother, the teacher, would just soak it all in and know exactly what to do to encourage her to learn more and try more and explore more. They deserved more time with her as their grandmother.

I wish for my sister, that my mom were here, while she prepares for the biggest day of her and her fiance's life together. I have so many wonderful memories of our wedding involving my mom that my sister will not have--and that breaks my heart. I find myself trying to recreate some of the "mom" things that she did for me or that she would have done for Bailey and it's almost impossible. How does one truly recreate a "mom" thing?! It's kind of like trying to recreate Grandma's cooking...it never comes out the same. She was not herself the last few years of her life because of her illness, however, she was still driven to be the best mom and grandmother possible.

I am sad today, but I am going to try to focus on the good and the happy memories and gift(s) that our mother gave us. My sister is one of those gifts. I don't know what I would have done without her these past few years!! I feel like we help each other keep Mom's memory alive and that is a blessing in and of itself. So many of the little things that she did for Bailey and me, I use for my own children, and every time we share a thought or story of Grandma Kathy, her memory will live on through them. It doesn't take away the pain of missing her, but I can now think of her as the mom I knew for the first 25 years of my life instead of just dwelling on those last few, awful days. Many people told me I would eventually be able to get past that...I didn't believe them...but by the Grace of God, and with time, it has happened. I was blessed to call her mine and I was blessed that she showed me how to be a mom. Selfishly, I miss her terribly, but I am so glad that she has a place in Heaven where she is happy and whole and without pain. I just look forward to the day that we are reunited together someday.